If you work with couples, you've undoubtedly worked with couples where one or both partners is seriously questioning whether to stay in their relationship.  Discernment Counseling is a highly-structured, short-term approach to help clients at this crossroads make informed decisions about the future of their relationship.  Discernment counseling is different than couple’s therapy because the goal is not solve current problems, but to unpack them and help partners decide whether to work on these problems in couple's therapy or to move toward divorce or separation.  Read on to learn more about when to make a referral for Discernment Counseling and for information on training opportunities. 

Click to Register: Working with Divorce Ambivalent Clients Training on May 18th

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Discernment Counseling is intended for couples where:

1. They have made a lifelong commitment to one another - married or otherwise.
2. One partner is leaning in to the relationship and wants to work on it in therapy, while the leaning out partner is considering separation or divorce and is not committed to attending couple's therapy.     
   
3. Both partners are aware that the leaning out partner is considering divorce prior to entering Discernment Counseling, which is confirmed in the consultation that Dr. Bordieri will do with each partner  

Note: If you have couples or individuals struggling with ambivalence about whether to stay in their relationship who do not meet these criteria, Dr. Bordieri applies the relevant aspects of Discernment Counseling to support couples and individuals process their ambivalence and get unstuck in their decision making about the future of their relationship.

When to Refer to Discernment Counseling

When one partner is not engaged in the therapy process:
Discernment Counseling was created, in part, to help prevent "half-hearted" couple's therapy - where one partner agrees to go to therapy but is not really engaged in the process.  Therapy with these couples is not only ineffective, but can also do harm when divorce ambivalent clients attend therapy to check the box and say, "well we tried therapy, but the relationship couldn't be saved."  Another common presentation is when the leaning out partner sees their partner as the "problem" and is unable to see their own contributions to the problems in the relationship.  

When one partner does not want to commit to couple's therapy:
If you consult with a couple where one partner wants to attend couple's therapy but the other is either unwilling to attend or to commit to any reasonable time frame for engaging in couple's therapy, they are ideal candidate for discernment counseling.    

When one partner is having an active affair:  
Even though couple's therapy is contraindicated when one partner is having an active affair, Discernment Counseling is ideal for these couples as partners often have divorce ambivalence in addition to ambivalence about whether to end the affair.  The discernment process supports these partners to make a realistic assessment of the affair relationship and to decide whether to continue or end it, thus making couple's therapy a viable option.

Note: If you have couples or individuals struggling with ambivalence about whether to stay in their relationship who do not meet these criteria, Dr. Bordieri applies the relevant aspects of Discernment Counseling to support couples and individuals process their ambivalence and get unstuck in their decision making about the future of their relationship.

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Have a question about whether a couple is a good candidate for Discernment Counseling?  Ask here!

Events & Trainings for Therapists

As a certified Discernment Counselor and an official presenter with The Doherty Relationship Institute, Dr. Bordieri offers FREE introductory events for therapists to learn more about Discernment Counseling and trainings for therapists who are looking to increase their clinical competence in working with clients considering divorce.  See below for all dates and registration links.

FREE Introductions to Discernment Counseling

These FREE introductions are meant for therapists and divorce professionals who want to learn more about what Discernment Counseling is.  Dr. Bordieri will give an overview of the process, answer clinical questions, and clarify when to refer to Discernment Counseling.  Sessions will cater to the interests of attendees. 

Working with Divorce Ambivalent Clients Training

When an individual client is struggling with chronic ambivalence about whether to stay in a marriage or a long-term committed relationship, the therapist may also struggle with how to be helpful.

Research shows that up to 22% of married individuals in any given year have serious divorce ideation. Most won’t divorce in the short run, but use individual therapy to process their ambivalent feelings about staying married. These therapy sessions are often dominated by the ups and downs of a stuck relationship.

This workshop provides concrete tools and strategies that therapists can use with their individual clients who are unsure about whether to stay in, seek couples therapy, or leave their marriage. It also helps therapists better understand under what circumstances they might make referrals for couple's services, including information about making referrals, when appropriate, for discernment counseling, a brief model designed specifically for couples when one partner has divorce ambivalence and the other wants to preserve the relationship.

This is an intensely practical workshop that is backed by research on divorce ambivalence. Participants will receive many sample lines of communication to use with clients as well as key strategies to avoid bad-story-of-the-week individual therapy or premature referrals to couples therapy with clients who are not motivated to work on their marriage right now.

Learning objectives: Participants will be able to:
1. Define divorce ambivalence in clients
2. Identify the main challenges for working with divorce-ambivalent clients in individual therapy
3. Discuss the principle clinical strategies and skills for treating divorce-ambivalent clients
4. Describe skills for referring these clients for couples’ work

Register Here: Working with Divorce Ambivalent Clients 5/18/26

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Events and Trainings for Therapists

Working with Divorce Ambivalent Clients

This training will help you effectively support clients to make informed and thoughtful decisions about divorce, even in the absence of the other partner in therapy.  

Monday, May 18th from 12pm to 3pm EDT  
(9am to 12pm PST, 10am to 1pm MST, 11am to 2pm CST)

Register Here: Working with Divorce Ambivalent Clients

FREE Introductions To Discernment Counseling

Attend this free session to learn more about Discernment Counseling.  No Registration Required!

Monday, March 30th from 1pm to 2pm EDT  
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/6198088509  (Meeting ID 619 808 8509)
 
Tuesday, April 28th from 2pm to 3pm EDT  
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/6198088509  (Meeting ID 619 808 8509)

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